6.2
The Autobots continue to work for NEST, now no longer in secret. But after discovering a strange artifact during a mission in Chernobyl, it becomes apparent to Optimus Prime that the United States government has been less than forthright with them.
Shia LaBeouf
Sam Witwicky
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
Carly
Peter Cullen
Optimus Prime (voice)
Leonard Nimoy
Sentinel Prime (voice)
John Turturro
Simmons
Frances McDormand
Mearing
Josh Duhamel
Lennox
Tyrese Gibson
Epps
Patrick Dempsey
Dylan
Hugo Weaving
Megatron (voice)
John Malkovich
Bruce Brazos
Kevin Dunn
Ron Witwicky
Julie White
Judy Witwicky
Alan Tudyk
Dutch
Ken Jeong
Jerry Wang
Glenn Morshower
General Morshower
Lester Speight
Eddie
Buzz Aldrin
Buzz Aldrin
Bill O'Reilly
Bill O'Reilly
Ravil Isyanov
Voshkod
Dustin Dennard
Lennox Lieutenant
Markiss McFadden
Lennox Team 'Baby Face'
Nick Bickle
Lennox Team 'Chapman'
Ajay James
Lennox Team 'Atroui'
Brett Lynch
Lennox Team 'Phelps'
Chris A. Robinson
Lennox Team 'Bruno'
Scott C. Roe
Lennox Team 'Nelson'
James D. Weston II
Lennox Team 'Tuens'
Brian Call
Lennox Team 'Taggart'
Aaron Garrido
Epps Team 'Mongo'
Mikal Vega
Epps Team 'Hooch'
Kenny Sheard
Epps Team 'Marc L'
Josh Kelly
Epps Team 'Stone'
Keiko Agena
Mearing's Aide
LaMonica Garrett
Morshower's Aide
Yasen Peyankov
Voshkod Associate
Brett Stimely
President Kennedy
John H. Tobin
President Nixon
Drew Pillsbury
Defense Secretary McNamara
Patrick Pankhurst
Director of NASA
Larry Clarke
NASA Scientist (1969)
Tom Virtue
Black Ops NASA Technician (1969)
Thomas Crawford
Black Ops NASA Technician (1969)
Kevin Sizemore
Black Ops NASA Technician (1969)
Alan Pietruszewski
NASA Mission Controller (1969)
Michael Daniel Cassady
NASA Launch Technician (1969)
Peter Murnik
Tracking Station Supervisor (1969)
Don Jeanes
Neil Armstrong (1969)
Cory Tucker
Buzz Aldrin (1969)
Lindsey Ginter
Old NASA Scientist
David St. James
Old NASA Scientist
Mitch Bromwell
NASA Technician
Elya Baskin
Cosmonaut Dimitri
Eugene Alper
Cosmonaut Yuri
Inna Korobkina
Russian Lady
Zoran Radanovich
Russian Bouncer
Kathleen Gati
Russian Female Bartender
Annie O'Donnell
Human Resources Lady
Chris Sheffield
Pimply Corporate Kid
Ken Takemoto
Japanese Executive
Michael Loeffelholz
Executive Interviewer
Mindy Sterling
Female Insurance Agent
Stephen Monroe Taylor
Mailroom Worker
Andy Daly
Mailroom Worker
Derek Miller
Mailroom Worker
Leidy Mazo
Mailroom Worker
Scott Krinsky
Accuretta Executive
Katherine Sigismund
Accuretta Worker
Maile Flanagan
Accuretta Worker
Darren O'Hare
Berated Scientist
Jack Axelrod
Simmons Tileman
Rich Hutchman
Engineer
Meredith Monroe
Engineer's Wife
Charlotte Labadie
Engineer's Daughter
Christian Baha
Dylan's Executive
Jennifer Williams
Dylan's Assistant
Danielle Fornarelli
Dylan's Assistant
Danny McCarthy
NEST Guard
John Turk
NEST Guard
Peter A Kelly
NEST Guard
Mark Golden
SEAL
Sean Murphy
SEAL
Scott Paulson
SEAL
Luis Echagarruga
SEAL
Iqbal Theba
UN Secretary General
Anthony Azizi
Lt. Sulimani
Sammy Sheik
Lt. Faraj
Mark Ryan
Military Drone Operator
John S. McAfee
GPS Tracking Coordinator
Jay Gates
DC Mall Reporter
Rebecca Cooper
DC Capitol Reporter
Jess Harnell
Ironhide (voice)
Charlie Adler
Starscream (voice)
Robert Foxworth
Ratchet (voice)
James Remar
Sideswipe (voice)
Francesco Quinn
Dino (voice)
George Coe
Que / Wheeljack (voice)
Tom Kenny
Wheelie (voice)
Reno Wilson
Brains (voice)
Frank Welker
Shockwave / Soundwave (voice)
Ron Bottitta
Roadbuster / Amp (voice)
John DiMaggio
Leadfoot / Target (voice)
Keith Szarabajka
Laserbeak (voice)
Greg Berg
Igor (voice)
Director
Michael Bay
Writer
Ehren Kruger
August 11, 2013
Transformers: Dark of the Moon. 154 minutes long, so Wiki tells me (although whilst watching it it felt as though it flew by in a mere, ooh, fourteen hours or so?). 154 minutes. And I was lost, bored and checking my watch before the fourth minute. So I shall attempt to review a movie I have only just seen but about which I know almost nothing, and about which I care considerably less than that. The following will be far less a coherent review than a disjointed mess. Well, fine. Seems perfectly apt.
So, years ago, the old Autobot leader Sentinel Prime crashed into the moon along with some teleporter doowacky - made up of hundreds of "pillars" - that only he can control. The Decepticons swiped almost all the pillars but left Sentinel there. On a routine military... um... I'm not sure; Jolly Boy's Outing? Optimus Prime gets into a fracas with Decepticon Shockwave and finds a couple of these pillars. He then throws a strop 'cos the humans knew about this bit of Cybertron kit but never told him, but now they're more than happy to, I suppose. Um. So Optimus rocks up to the moon and finds Sentinel Prime and revives him. Turns out this is what the Decepticons wanted; only Optimus could revive him and only Sentinel can work the teleporter doowacky (the "Bridge"). So now they're after Sentinel. But OH NOES, Sentinel has decided that the Autobots are fighting a lost cause, so he's throwing in with the Decepticons anyway. Cue lots of deeply confusing and tedious "Tranny-Slapping" as I have just dubbed the Transformer skirmishes as Megatron, Sentinel and the baddies try to use the Bridge to... um, pull their faraway home of Cybertron to Earth? Or turn Earth into Cybertron? Or something.
Meanwhile, Sam Witwicky* (Shia LaBeouf, even more punchable than usual, which by his standards is quite something) is not just a useless nerd this time around, he's also a whingeing **** who wants a) international acclaim and credit (other than the medal awarded him by the president of course!) for his part in saving the world twice even though nobody knows that that's what he's done, and b) a 40-hour job. Anything really; Trolley-dolly at Asda/Walmart will be fine. Despite all this he seems to have effortlessly brushed off Megan Fox and continued to punch way, way above his weight with his new squeeze, Rosie DoubleBarrelled-Surname: English, impossibly attractive, permanently dressed for all occasions - work, play, sleep, dragging her ****hole across the carpet like a worm-ridden doggie - like a $200-an-hour prostitute, and, incredibly, at least 40% stupider even than Ms. Fox, who as we know is marginally less alert and responsive than a squeezed tube of Anusol. How does Sam fit in to the so-called "plot"? Who knows. Double-Barrelled's smarmy, supercar-distributing walking hard-on of a boss turns out to be a Decepticon bitch (Deceptibitch?), and... oh, Christ knows. Alls I DO know is that this time around, Frances McDormand and John Malkovich have joined John Turturro in shilling for dollars like a ****-flashing strumpet. "Me so shaaaameless." "Me overact LONG time!" "Me so shaaaameless." Sucky-f*cky, five million dollar?
From the very first second to the very last, the whole thing is needlessly convoluted, comically unfeasible - even within its own logic, such as that is - and most crucially, lifeforce-sappingly dull. Just like the other two movies, and of course just like the Transformers themselves. At one point, maybe two-thirds in (or maybe seven weeks in, who knows?), the angsty, poignant strains of a generic rock ballad signalled the arrival of a "sad" scene. On-screen, people crouched and clasped their heads in anguish, weeping and hugging in amongst considerable swathes of burning scenery and unspecifiable wreckage. I'm not sure why this bit was to be considered sad or poignant; perhaps the entire cast simultaneously realised they were in a Transformers movie.
Awful, awful. As bad as anything Bay has ever shat out during his spiteful, cynical, moviegoer-hating and barely-disguised subterfuge as a "film director".